It is negative....

Well I got the offical results today and I am not pregnant, this IVF didn't work. I think we have enough insurance to do one more IVF before we are out of pocket. I will be having my consultation with my doctor on 1/5/09 to talk about this cycle and what she thinks went wrong and what our next steps are. I will be getting a second opinion before I spend any more money. DH and I are taking a break until June. I want to lose 40 pounds before we cycle again....maybe I will be able to get pregnant on my own...I just need a break from all of this.

Today is a hard day, even though I new it was negative because I tested Sunday...it is just hard to have spent so much money for nothing, but that is apparently the path God has me on and I am trying to hard to trust him.....it is just hard when you haven't had really anything good in your life in a long long time....hope is hard to have today.

On another note, we are looking into adoption, we have to start thinking of other options. I think I have narrowed it down to about 3 different agencies, but I am still in the researching stage and I am not quite sure when we will pull the trigger on this side. I am not ready to stop trying for my own child yet....

I will probably not blog to much, I will try and post updates on my weight loss and what my doctors say about everything.

As I wait, I reflect...........

Today I see my IF journey in a new light, a journey I am thankful to God for. I am reminded of the words of Rich Mullins' song this morning....

"Sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all, when the mountains seem so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I’m shaking like a leaf, you have been King of my Glory, won’t you be my Prince of Peace.”

If God had never taken me on this journey, I would never have known how much God truly loves me, an understanding that came only with experience. Sometimes I think I am being punished or God is mad at me and that is why I have to deal with IF, but today I see that this journey brought me closer to my Father and taught me so much about myself and the kind of mother God wants me to be. God will give me such a wonderful gift one day when he gives me a child and he has used the last two years to shape me in to the Godly mother he wants me to be and today I am thankful.....

I look at the world I live in, with all of its imperfections....and I look at the leaders of our country and how imperfect we all are. I learned it is not about the circumstance you are in, it is about how you live in that circumstance that makes the difference. We will never know why we are faced with certain challenges, but today I embrace those challenges because I know God will use it for the good of his kingdom. I will continue to pray for our county and our leaders, they find themselves in unfamilar waters.....I pray that they bring God glory in their actions and daily seek his will for this country. I think that a lot of us have lost our way and it is time for God to put us back on the right path.

I know the love of our Father because I have experienced it first hand the last two years, he loves us unconditionally and sometimes his love is tough. God uses tough love to refine us from within. We are to be a light in this place, a light that shines bright. So it is time for us to stand up and shows God's love....united we stand, divided we fall. I am reminded of whose Hands I am in and they are the strongest, most perfect, loving hands I could ever ask to be held by.....I know my Father is in control and I know how the story ends....

2 years ago today we said goodbye...........

Two years ago today, we said goodbye to our little Emma at 13wks. I miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think about what my life would be like right now if she was here. I wonder who she would look like, me or my DH....would she have my dark hair with curls and DH's blue eyes. Never would I have thought that two years later I would still be trying to have a child. My arms ache to hold my child, to tell her everyday how much her mommy loves her. To do all the things with her that moms and daughters do....to play dolls and dress up, to go to the park and swing, to watch her dance in a recital....those are the longings of my heart and I know that one day God will bless me again, so I wait. The waiting it the hardest, I wonder if I will ever see another positive pregnancy test again, will I ever have the chance to experience the joy when you see that little heartbeat flicker on the u/s machine for the first time, will I ever get to wear maternity clothes and complain about being tired and my back hurting....only God knows....my life, my hopes and my dreams are in his hands and I know that is the best place for them to be.

As I go down this journey, I do not know where it leads or how much harder this road will be....but for today, I am thankful to God for my sweet little Emma...for the 13wks I carried her....and the lifetime I will love her.