I thought it was time for an update.....

It has been a while since my last post and so much has happened....

My DH and I are expecting our first child in September....if you are shocked and excited, imagine how we are feeling. So let me tell you how wonderful our God is....

If you have read any of my previous posts you now know that DH and I have been dealing with infertility for the last 2+ years. It has been a hard road that the Lord has taken us down and I have learned that God makes me stronger and that I can handle more than I ever thought. Over the course of the last 2 years we have done 6 infertility treatments with the last one being in-vitro fertilization (IVF) which all failed. After the IVF failed in November, DH and I decided it was time for a much needed break; no more doctors, shots, blood draws, ultrasounds...nothing. I felt like a science experiment and needed to regroup before we tried again.

So we talked and both decided to just take a break and focus on DH's upcoming law school graduation and bar exam and we would start another round of treatment in August once we had saved up some more money. I had also decided at that time that I wanted to lose some of the weight that I had put on through this 2 year journey and this was the best time to do it. So I starting exercising 5 days a week and counting my calories and between Novemeber and January I lost about 22 pounds.

So I was feeling great about things and then in January I noticed that my period was about a week late. I didn't think anything of it really because I have PCOS and my cycles were never really that regular so I thought my cycle must be messed up from all the diet and exercise I had been doing. Then another week goes by and now I am worried. Never did I think I might be pregnant, I mean after 2 years and 6 rounds of infertility treatment I must be broken and there is no way that I could get pregnant without medical help, right???

So I start to get worried because I am thinking that all this stress from the infertility must have my cycles complete wacked and my period will never show without having to take medication. I hate taking pills I don't have to, so I decided to wait another week and see if it comes....and another weeks goes by and nothing (at this point I am 3 weeks late). So I know I have to call my OB and tell her and ask for her to prescribe me a pill to bring on my period and I am just dreading having to make this call. I know she won't give me anything without having me check just to make sure I am not pregnant..so I have a cheap pregnancy test in a drawer and decided to take it, I wasn't going to go out and buy a test and waste money. So I take the test and to my shock a second line pops up. Before I believe it, I check to make sure the test isn't expired because I just can't believe this, after everything we have endured. And then I drop to my knees and start to cry....I cried tears of joy to the Lord for the greatest gift He gave me, a miracle that I will be forever thankful for.

So I get on the phone and call Aaron and he tells me he is having a bad day and then I tell him I am pregnant and we are going to have a baby....and then I start to cry. DH is so excited and said that makes a bad day great and he just knew it...then he has to check to make sure the tears I am crying are happy tears. So after taking one more digital test to confirm the pregnancy, I called my OB's office on Monday morning (I took the test on Friday afternoon). The office called me back and everyone was so happy and excited and my doctor just couldn't wait to see me. I told the nurse that I wasn't sure of the exact date of my last period in December and since my cycles are not regular I don't even really know how far along I am, but I thought I could be about 6 - 7 weeks. They scheduled me for my first appointment and said we would do an ultrasound at that time to date the pregnancy...and my appointment was two weeks away....a long two weeks.

The day finally arrived for me to go and see if there is really a baby growing inside of me, I was a nervous wreck. I had to wait 2 hours to see my doctor, but finally the moment arrives and we see the baby on the screen and the heart just beating away.....this is a moment I will never forget. My doctor estimated me to be 8wk 5days based on the date of my last period, but the baby was measuring 3 days ahead at 9wk 1day and was just moving its arms and legs all over the place....it was the best thing ever. My doctor said everything looked great. So now just one last hurdle to cross and we can finally share the news with friends and family....the first trimester screening.

For those that don't know, this was the appointment with my first pregnancy that brought my world crashing down around me....so needless to say this is the scariest appointment. Due to my first pregnancy, my OB wanted me to have the screening done earlier in the 11wk-14wk window, so we scheduled it for when I was 11wk 2days. My mom and DH both went to this appointment with me, since the last time I did this I was all alone and a complete basket case afterwards...so we go to the screening appointment and everything was great, the baby looks beautiful and healthy. We have since heard the heartbeat and things are looking perfect.

God is so good and I can't believe the miracle he has done for DH and I. I may never know why God has taken me down this road, maybe it is so my story can help someone else, but I can say God is faithful and He keeps his promises!!!

I will keep this blog updated with my progress and will probably just do a post after each appointment.

Thanks for reading and sharing in our exciting news!!! Our next appoinment is April 27th to find out what we are having.

It is negative....

Well I got the offical results today and I am not pregnant, this IVF didn't work. I think we have enough insurance to do one more IVF before we are out of pocket. I will be having my consultation with my doctor on 1/5/09 to talk about this cycle and what she thinks went wrong and what our next steps are. I will be getting a second opinion before I spend any more money. DH and I are taking a break until June. I want to lose 40 pounds before we cycle again....maybe I will be able to get pregnant on my own...I just need a break from all of this.

Today is a hard day, even though I new it was negative because I tested Sunday...it is just hard to have spent so much money for nothing, but that is apparently the path God has me on and I am trying to hard to trust him.....it is just hard when you haven't had really anything good in your life in a long long time....hope is hard to have today.

On another note, we are looking into adoption, we have to start thinking of other options. I think I have narrowed it down to about 3 different agencies, but I am still in the researching stage and I am not quite sure when we will pull the trigger on this side. I am not ready to stop trying for my own child yet....

I will probably not blog to much, I will try and post updates on my weight loss and what my doctors say about everything.

As I wait, I reflect...........

Today I see my IF journey in a new light, a journey I am thankful to God for. I am reminded of the words of Rich Mullins' song this morning....

"Sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all, when the mountains seem so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I’m shaking like a leaf, you have been King of my Glory, won’t you be my Prince of Peace.”

If God had never taken me on this journey, I would never have known how much God truly loves me, an understanding that came only with experience. Sometimes I think I am being punished or God is mad at me and that is why I have to deal with IF, but today I see that this journey brought me closer to my Father and taught me so much about myself and the kind of mother God wants me to be. God will give me such a wonderful gift one day when he gives me a child and he has used the last two years to shape me in to the Godly mother he wants me to be and today I am thankful.....

I look at the world I live in, with all of its imperfections....and I look at the leaders of our country and how imperfect we all are. I learned it is not about the circumstance you are in, it is about how you live in that circumstance that makes the difference. We will never know why we are faced with certain challenges, but today I embrace those challenges because I know God will use it for the good of his kingdom. I will continue to pray for our county and our leaders, they find themselves in unfamilar waters.....I pray that they bring God glory in their actions and daily seek his will for this country. I think that a lot of us have lost our way and it is time for God to put us back on the right path.

I know the love of our Father because I have experienced it first hand the last two years, he loves us unconditionally and sometimes his love is tough. God uses tough love to refine us from within. We are to be a light in this place, a light that shines bright. So it is time for us to stand up and shows God's love....united we stand, divided we fall. I am reminded of whose Hands I am in and they are the strongest, most perfect, loving hands I could ever ask to be held by.....I know my Father is in control and I know how the story ends....

2 years ago today we said goodbye...........

Two years ago today, we said goodbye to our little Emma at 13wks. I miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think about what my life would be like right now if she was here. I wonder who she would look like, me or my DH....would she have my dark hair with curls and DH's blue eyes. Never would I have thought that two years later I would still be trying to have a child. My arms ache to hold my child, to tell her everyday how much her mommy loves her. To do all the things with her that moms and daughters do....to play dolls and dress up, to go to the park and swing, to watch her dance in a recital....those are the longings of my heart and I know that one day God will bless me again, so I wait. The waiting it the hardest, I wonder if I will ever see another positive pregnancy test again, will I ever have the chance to experience the joy when you see that little heartbeat flicker on the u/s machine for the first time, will I ever get to wear maternity clothes and complain about being tired and my back hurting....only God knows....my life, my hopes and my dreams are in his hands and I know that is the best place for them to be.

As I go down this journey, I do not know where it leads or how much harder this road will be....but for today, I am thankful to God for my sweet little Emma...for the 13wks I carried her....and the lifetime I will love her.

We have three embies inside...

The egg transfer went so much better than the egg retrieval. We had three embies still growing when I got there at 9:30am. They were only 6-celled grade 3 which disappointed me. The RE told me that they looked good and they only check the embies at 9AM and 2PM. She said most REs do afternoon transfers so they can check the embryos once more in the afternoon. She said the cells are just merely a timing thing, that if they waited till this afternoon they could all have been 8 celled. They were graded fair and everyone thought it was best to transfer all three. So now we wait.......and pray that one of these three will be our child. I love them all so much and pray for them every night. Oh Lord please let this journey have a happy ending...please answer my prayers.

Egg Transfer is tomorrow.......

So the egg retrieval didn't go as well as we had hoped. They aspirated all 17 follicles and only got 5 mature eggs. My doctor had a hard time getting the eggs on my left ovary and had to go through my stomach to get them and I bled a lot. Even though I was under, I could still hear them talking and could feel a lot of what was going on..it was painful. I got sick after the ER and was pretty much out of it all afternoon. Then on Monday we got the fertilization report....3 out of the 5 eggs fertilized normally. I was crushed and cried for a good hour. I know I should be happy that we had 60% fertilization, I guess I just wanted 100%. The nurse said the three embies looked good and I would find out Wednesday morning right before the transfer how may cells they are and what grade they are.....so I will update my blog when I get home tomorrow.

It has been so hard to stay positive,I had such high hopes that this IVF would have gone so much better....but I am not giving up on my 3 embies...they need me to pray for them and stay positive. God picked these 3 embies just for me and I will contine to trust and believe he knows best...even when it is so hard to do.

So this morning, thank you God for chosing these 3 embies just for me!!!

Egg Retrieval Here We Come.......

I had my last u/s and bw this morning.....I had 8 follicles measuring over 20mm and 9 others measuring between 14mm - 18mm. The nurse said they could be mature at the time of egg retrieval but they won't know till they take them out. I got the call later that my E2 levels were at 2459, they were 894 on Wednesday. For every mature egg your E2 would be 200, so that would imply that we should have at least 12 mature eggs at retrieval, but since these eggs will continue to grow and the E2 levels will rise in the next two days, there is a good chance that the rest can catch up and we could have 17 eggs. We are hoping and praying for lots of great quality eggs and great fertilization.

The egg retrieval will be a 10AM on Sunday and I am very excited and nervous. I won't be able to eat at all on Saturday and will probably be too out of it to eat until Sunday night, so I was told to eat a hearty meal tonight...a great excuse to over eat. The Lord has brought my DH and I so far and has carried us through this process...I know he has great things in store for us. Tonight is my last night to have to have a shot (actually 2 shots) and I am so excited about that....I only had to be on stims for 7 days instead of the 10...they said I responded very well to the meds.

Things are definitely very positive today and I continue to remain hopeful that this IF journey will be coming to a positive end.....

Yesterday on the way home from work I was listening to my praise and worship CD and the song "More Precious Than Silver" came on...here are the lyrics:

Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds,
And nothing I desire compares to You.
Lord, Your Love is higher than mountains.
Lord, Your Love is deeper than seas.
Lord, Your Love encompasses the nations,
And yet, You live right here inside of me!

Who can weigh the value of knowing You?
Who can judge the worth of who You are?
Who can count the blessings of loving You?
Who can say just how great You are?

Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds,
And nothing I desire compares to You.

And nothing I desire compares to You.

As I sang this song I cried.....as I sang the line "and nothing I desire compares to you" I thought about how long I have longed for, prayed for and dreamed of having a child. How strongly I desire that....and I realized that desire doesn't even compare to how much Christ desires a relationship with me. For me, I can't imagine wanting or desiring anything more than having a child....but I know that my my salvation and my love for Christ is so much stronger than that. I could never want something more than my longing to be with my Father....and that is what brought tears to my eyes. To know that my Father loved me so much more than I could ever love my own child, which for me is a lot of love. God has placed the desire in my heart to have a child and through this journey with infertility he has shown me how deeply I can love my husband and a child I don't even have yet. I never knew I could love that deeply. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart and I thank him for the journey I am on. Without this journey, I would never know this kind of love and I don't know that I would ever be able to love my child as deeply as I will now having gone through all of this. You love something so much more when you have suffered or endured heartache for it. I never thought I would be strong enough to be on this journey, but the Lord has given me so much strength and I have learned so much about myself and the love of my Father.....he is faithful and good....and God keeps his promises!!