It is negative....

Well I got the offical results today and I am not pregnant, this IVF didn't work. I think we have enough insurance to do one more IVF before we are out of pocket. I will be having my consultation with my doctor on 1/5/09 to talk about this cycle and what she thinks went wrong and what our next steps are. I will be getting a second opinion before I spend any more money. DH and I are taking a break until June. I want to lose 40 pounds before we cycle again....maybe I will be able to get pregnant on my own...I just need a break from all of this.

Today is a hard day, even though I new it was negative because I tested Sunday...it is just hard to have spent so much money for nothing, but that is apparently the path God has me on and I am trying to hard to trust him.....it is just hard when you haven't had really anything good in your life in a long long time....hope is hard to have today.

On another note, we are looking into adoption, we have to start thinking of other options. I think I have narrowed it down to about 3 different agencies, but I am still in the researching stage and I am not quite sure when we will pull the trigger on this side. I am not ready to stop trying for my own child yet....

I will probably not blog to much, I will try and post updates on my weight loss and what my doctors say about everything.

As I wait, I reflect...........

Today I see my IF journey in a new light, a journey I am thankful to God for. I am reminded of the words of Rich Mullins' song this morning....

"Sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all, when the mountains seem so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I’m shaking like a leaf, you have been King of my Glory, won’t you be my Prince of Peace.”

If God had never taken me on this journey, I would never have known how much God truly loves me, an understanding that came only with experience. Sometimes I think I am being punished or God is mad at me and that is why I have to deal with IF, but today I see that this journey brought me closer to my Father and taught me so much about myself and the kind of mother God wants me to be. God will give me such a wonderful gift one day when he gives me a child and he has used the last two years to shape me in to the Godly mother he wants me to be and today I am thankful.....

I look at the world I live in, with all of its imperfections....and I look at the leaders of our country and how imperfect we all are. I learned it is not about the circumstance you are in, it is about how you live in that circumstance that makes the difference. We will never know why we are faced with certain challenges, but today I embrace those challenges because I know God will use it for the good of his kingdom. I will continue to pray for our county and our leaders, they find themselves in unfamilar waters.....I pray that they bring God glory in their actions and daily seek his will for this country. I think that a lot of us have lost our way and it is time for God to put us back on the right path.

I know the love of our Father because I have experienced it first hand the last two years, he loves us unconditionally and sometimes his love is tough. God uses tough love to refine us from within. We are to be a light in this place, a light that shines bright. So it is time for us to stand up and shows God's love....united we stand, divided we fall. I am reminded of whose Hands I am in and they are the strongest, most perfect, loving hands I could ever ask to be held by.....I know my Father is in control and I know how the story ends....

2 years ago today we said goodbye...........

Two years ago today, we said goodbye to our little Emma at 13wks. I miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think about what my life would be like right now if she was here. I wonder who she would look like, me or my DH....would she have my dark hair with curls and DH's blue eyes. Never would I have thought that two years later I would still be trying to have a child. My arms ache to hold my child, to tell her everyday how much her mommy loves her. To do all the things with her that moms and daughters do....to play dolls and dress up, to go to the park and swing, to watch her dance in a recital....those are the longings of my heart and I know that one day God will bless me again, so I wait. The waiting it the hardest, I wonder if I will ever see another positive pregnancy test again, will I ever have the chance to experience the joy when you see that little heartbeat flicker on the u/s machine for the first time, will I ever get to wear maternity clothes and complain about being tired and my back hurting....only God knows....my life, my hopes and my dreams are in his hands and I know that is the best place for them to be.

As I go down this journey, I do not know where it leads or how much harder this road will be....but for today, I am thankful to God for my sweet little Emma...for the 13wks I carried her....and the lifetime I will love her.

We have three embies inside...

The egg transfer went so much better than the egg retrieval. We had three embies still growing when I got there at 9:30am. They were only 6-celled grade 3 which disappointed me. The RE told me that they looked good and they only check the embies at 9AM and 2PM. She said most REs do afternoon transfers so they can check the embryos once more in the afternoon. She said the cells are just merely a timing thing, that if they waited till this afternoon they could all have been 8 celled. They were graded fair and everyone thought it was best to transfer all three. So now we wait.......and pray that one of these three will be our child. I love them all so much and pray for them every night. Oh Lord please let this journey have a happy ending...please answer my prayers.

Egg Transfer is tomorrow.......

So the egg retrieval didn't go as well as we had hoped. They aspirated all 17 follicles and only got 5 mature eggs. My doctor had a hard time getting the eggs on my left ovary and had to go through my stomach to get them and I bled a lot. Even though I was under, I could still hear them talking and could feel a lot of what was going on..it was painful. I got sick after the ER and was pretty much out of it all afternoon. Then on Monday we got the fertilization report....3 out of the 5 eggs fertilized normally. I was crushed and cried for a good hour. I know I should be happy that we had 60% fertilization, I guess I just wanted 100%. The nurse said the three embies looked good and I would find out Wednesday morning right before the transfer how may cells they are and what grade they are.....so I will update my blog when I get home tomorrow.

It has been so hard to stay positive,I had such high hopes that this IVF would have gone so much better....but I am not giving up on my 3 embies...they need me to pray for them and stay positive. God picked these 3 embies just for me and I will contine to trust and believe he knows best...even when it is so hard to do.

So this morning, thank you God for chosing these 3 embies just for me!!!

Egg Retrieval Here We Come.......

I had my last u/s and bw this morning.....I had 8 follicles measuring over 20mm and 9 others measuring between 14mm - 18mm. The nurse said they could be mature at the time of egg retrieval but they won't know till they take them out. I got the call later that my E2 levels were at 2459, they were 894 on Wednesday. For every mature egg your E2 would be 200, so that would imply that we should have at least 12 mature eggs at retrieval, but since these eggs will continue to grow and the E2 levels will rise in the next two days, there is a good chance that the rest can catch up and we could have 17 eggs. We are hoping and praying for lots of great quality eggs and great fertilization.

The egg retrieval will be a 10AM on Sunday and I am very excited and nervous. I won't be able to eat at all on Saturday and will probably be too out of it to eat until Sunday night, so I was told to eat a hearty meal tonight...a great excuse to over eat. The Lord has brought my DH and I so far and has carried us through this process...I know he has great things in store for us. Tonight is my last night to have to have a shot (actually 2 shots) and I am so excited about that....I only had to be on stims for 7 days instead of the 10...they said I responded very well to the meds.

Things are definitely very positive today and I continue to remain hopeful that this IF journey will be coming to a positive end.....

Yesterday on the way home from work I was listening to my praise and worship CD and the song "More Precious Than Silver" came on...here are the lyrics:

Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds,
And nothing I desire compares to You.
Lord, Your Love is higher than mountains.
Lord, Your Love is deeper than seas.
Lord, Your Love encompasses the nations,
And yet, You live right here inside of me!

Who can weigh the value of knowing You?
Who can judge the worth of who You are?
Who can count the blessings of loving You?
Who can say just how great You are?

Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds,
And nothing I desire compares to You.

And nothing I desire compares to You.

As I sang this song I cried.....as I sang the line "and nothing I desire compares to you" I thought about how long I have longed for, prayed for and dreamed of having a child. How strongly I desire that....and I realized that desire doesn't even compare to how much Christ desires a relationship with me. For me, I can't imagine wanting or desiring anything more than having a child....but I know that my my salvation and my love for Christ is so much stronger than that. I could never want something more than my longing to be with my Father....and that is what brought tears to my eyes. To know that my Father loved me so much more than I could ever love my own child, which for me is a lot of love. God has placed the desire in my heart to have a child and through this journey with infertility he has shown me how deeply I can love my husband and a child I don't even have yet. I never knew I could love that deeply. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart and I thank him for the journey I am on. Without this journey, I would never know this kind of love and I don't know that I would ever be able to love my child as deeply as I will now having gone through all of this. You love something so much more when you have suffered or endured heartache for it. I never thought I would be strong enough to be on this journey, but the Lord has given me so much strength and I have learned so much about myself and the love of my Father.....he is faithful and good....and God keeps his promises!!

Quality Not Quantity......

That is what I am going to be reminding myself through all of this and to be thankful to God for bringing me this far.....

I had my second follicle check this morning after 5 days of stims and I have 9 follicles, 8 of them are between 12mm-15mm and 1 is at 18mm. The nurse was a little surprised I already had one at 18mm. She told me that if that one keeps growing the way it is, my egg retrieval will probably be Sunday. She said they would know for sure how many mature eggs I have by my E2 numbers that should be in this afternoon. She said things look good and they will know more Friday at my next u/s. I will be adding the menopur shot to the mix tonight so we will see if that does anything. It looks like I will only have to do shots for 2 more nights and then I take my trigger shot.....I will update more on Friday.

While I am disappointed I didn't have more follies, it is about quality and not quantity. I am so thankful to God for the 9 follies we have and I am praying they are all good and strong and we have great fertilization.