We have three embies inside...

The egg transfer went so much better than the egg retrieval. We had three embies still growing when I got there at 9:30am. They were only 6-celled grade 3 which disappointed me. The RE told me that they looked good and they only check the embies at 9AM and 2PM. She said most REs do afternoon transfers so they can check the embryos once more in the afternoon. She said the cells are just merely a timing thing, that if they waited till this afternoon they could all have been 8 celled. They were graded fair and everyone thought it was best to transfer all three. So now we wait.......and pray that one of these three will be our child. I love them all so much and pray for them every night. Oh Lord please let this journey have a happy ending...please answer my prayers.

Egg Transfer is tomorrow.......

So the egg retrieval didn't go as well as we had hoped. They aspirated all 17 follicles and only got 5 mature eggs. My doctor had a hard time getting the eggs on my left ovary and had to go through my stomach to get them and I bled a lot. Even though I was under, I could still hear them talking and could feel a lot of what was going on..it was painful. I got sick after the ER and was pretty much out of it all afternoon. Then on Monday we got the fertilization report....3 out of the 5 eggs fertilized normally. I was crushed and cried for a good hour. I know I should be happy that we had 60% fertilization, I guess I just wanted 100%. The nurse said the three embies looked good and I would find out Wednesday morning right before the transfer how may cells they are and what grade they are.....so I will update my blog when I get home tomorrow.

It has been so hard to stay positive,I had such high hopes that this IVF would have gone so much better....but I am not giving up on my 3 embies...they need me to pray for them and stay positive. God picked these 3 embies just for me and I will contine to trust and believe he knows best...even when it is so hard to do.

So this morning, thank you God for chosing these 3 embies just for me!!!

Egg Retrieval Here We Come.......

I had my last u/s and bw this morning.....I had 8 follicles measuring over 20mm and 9 others measuring between 14mm - 18mm. The nurse said they could be mature at the time of egg retrieval but they won't know till they take them out. I got the call later that my E2 levels were at 2459, they were 894 on Wednesday. For every mature egg your E2 would be 200, so that would imply that we should have at least 12 mature eggs at retrieval, but since these eggs will continue to grow and the E2 levels will rise in the next two days, there is a good chance that the rest can catch up and we could have 17 eggs. We are hoping and praying for lots of great quality eggs and great fertilization.

The egg retrieval will be a 10AM on Sunday and I am very excited and nervous. I won't be able to eat at all on Saturday and will probably be too out of it to eat until Sunday night, so I was told to eat a hearty meal tonight...a great excuse to over eat. The Lord has brought my DH and I so far and has carried us through this process...I know he has great things in store for us. Tonight is my last night to have to have a shot (actually 2 shots) and I am so excited about that....I only had to be on stims for 7 days instead of the 10...they said I responded very well to the meds.

Things are definitely very positive today and I continue to remain hopeful that this IF journey will be coming to a positive end.....

Yesterday on the way home from work I was listening to my praise and worship CD and the song "More Precious Than Silver" came on...here are the lyrics:

Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds,
And nothing I desire compares to You.
Lord, Your Love is higher than mountains.
Lord, Your Love is deeper than seas.
Lord, Your Love encompasses the nations,
And yet, You live right here inside of me!

Who can weigh the value of knowing You?
Who can judge the worth of who You are?
Who can count the blessings of loving You?
Who can say just how great You are?

Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds,
And nothing I desire compares to You.

And nothing I desire compares to You.

As I sang this song I cried.....as I sang the line "and nothing I desire compares to you" I thought about how long I have longed for, prayed for and dreamed of having a child. How strongly I desire that....and I realized that desire doesn't even compare to how much Christ desires a relationship with me. For me, I can't imagine wanting or desiring anything more than having a child....but I know that my my salvation and my love for Christ is so much stronger than that. I could never want something more than my longing to be with my Father....and that is what brought tears to my eyes. To know that my Father loved me so much more than I could ever love my own child, which for me is a lot of love. God has placed the desire in my heart to have a child and through this journey with infertility he has shown me how deeply I can love my husband and a child I don't even have yet. I never knew I could love that deeply. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart and I thank him for the journey I am on. Without this journey, I would never know this kind of love and I don't know that I would ever be able to love my child as deeply as I will now having gone through all of this. You love something so much more when you have suffered or endured heartache for it. I never thought I would be strong enough to be on this journey, but the Lord has given me so much strength and I have learned so much about myself and the love of my Father.....he is faithful and good....and God keeps his promises!!

Quality Not Quantity......

That is what I am going to be reminding myself through all of this and to be thankful to God for bringing me this far.....

I had my second follicle check this morning after 5 days of stims and I have 9 follicles, 8 of them are between 12mm-15mm and 1 is at 18mm. The nurse was a little surprised I already had one at 18mm. She told me that if that one keeps growing the way it is, my egg retrieval will probably be Sunday. She said they would know for sure how many mature eggs I have by my E2 numbers that should be in this afternoon. She said things look good and they will know more Friday at my next u/s. I will be adding the menopur shot to the mix tonight so we will see if that does anything. It looks like I will only have to do shots for 2 more nights and then I take my trigger shot.....I will update more on Friday.

While I am disappointed I didn't have more follies, it is about quality and not quantity. I am so thankful to God for the 9 follies we have and I am praying they are all good and strong and we have great fertilization.

First Follie Check.....

I had my first follicle check this morning after 3 days of stimming. So far I have 11 measurable follies which the nurse said was good and right where they wanted me to be. They took my blood as well to check my E2 levels, I will get those this afternoon and those levels will determine if they are going to lower my dose. The nurse said the first u/s is always the hardest to get all the measurable follies because some are seen yet. She told me not to be surprised on Wednesday if they find more. The u/s was great and I am very excited to be coming into the home stretch. I have 7 days left of shots and 4 more blood draws. Today's blood draw was bad. They couldn't find my veins and had to stick me in both arms. I hadn't drunk enough water so my blood didn't flow very well and the whole process took a long time. But I am thankful to God for the good first u/s and to be done with this appointment. Next appointment is Wednesday and I will update my blog later that afternoon.

And it starts..........

Todays post will be short as I just don't have it in me to write a lot. I had my baseline u/s and bw this morning. The nurse said my lining was thin and I had no cysts....everything looked great. But the nurse that took my blood hurt me a little and when I got in the car I just cried. I feel like a pen cushin and if anyone didn't know I was doing IVF they would probably think I was a drug addict. I just cried....because physically, emotional and financially this is a lot for me and DH and I just don't know if we will be able to do this again if it doesn't work. But like DH said, this is all out of my contol and is in Gods hands.....we have to trust that. So I am pushing the doubts away.....God has me on this journey and I will trust in him. He has blessed me so much in my life and carried me through some really rough times...has taken me this far. I believe it will work and I am not going to let doubt and worry get me down.....

When does the worrying stop.........

So I go in tomorrow morning for my baseline u/s and bw and start stims on Friday night and I am already scared. I am worried I won't have a lot of mature eggs, I am worried I will overstimulate, I worry I won't have a lot of eggs fertilize and that we won't have any blasts at day 5.....I keep trying to remind myself that I shouldn't worry and it is all in God's hands and out of my control. He won't give me more than I can handle, but after the last two and half years that is what scares me....I have found I can handle more than I thought.

I worry about a lot things from the ecomony, DH's student loans we start paying on next summer and trying to have a family as well.....when does the worrying stop??? Anyone who knows me well knows it is my nature to worry. DH is the opposite, I think I worry enough for the both of us.....I am putting my trust in the Lord and I believe with all of my heart that this will work and I will be a mom.....and honestly, I don't think the worrying ever ends.....once I am pregnant a whole new world of things to worry about will occur.

The Lord has really blessed me and my DH and I know he will continue to do so.....he has carried us through so much and has brought us to this place. I know he will take care of us and I am going to do my best not to worry.....

Good things happen......

Today is such a good day.....

A girl I met online through a message board dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility found out today that she is pregnant, her second IVF was successful. I can't tell you how happy I am for her today and how much hope it brings me. We have both endured pregnancy loss and a two year struggle to get pregnant again.....she is going to be such a wonderful mother and in two weeks we should know how many babies she is going to have....today is good day.

As for me, a little update...the lupron shots are going well. DH has not hit any blood vessels in a while so my veins are very thankful. I go to the doctor thursday morning for my baseline u/s and bw and then I add the follistism shot to the mix on friday. So by the weekend we will be up to two shots a day and then by mid next week we will be up to three. I will be monitored regularlly with u/s every other day starting next week since I am at a high risk for OHSS.....so say lots of prayers that I don't develop that.

Until my next update.....

Shot From Hell....

It started last night with my lupron shot. I am now on my 6th night of shots. DH has done so good with all of these shots because there is no way that I was ever going to be able to stick myself. Well last night was rough. DH put the shot in and it hurt so bad I was crying and screaming for him to pull it out....it hurt so bad. When he pulled it out, I bled....he hit a vein. He felt so bad and told me he was so sorry he hurt me, he didn't mean to. I told him I know, but this is just so hard I don't know if I have the strength to keep going. So I prayed for God to give me the strength and then I had a pity party for myself....I had a big long cry as I laid in bed and I think I needed it. And so tonight the shots will continue yet again....

In the midst of this all I think I forget that my DH is on this road with me and when I hurt, he hurts....I forget to ask him how he is feeling and how he is doing. I get so consumed in my own pain that I can't see his....and I am ashamed of that. We are on this road together and have been for over two years and I forget that.....he is hurting too.

I love my husband more than I ever thought I could love a man. He has been my rock and my sanity. I don't know what I would do without him. This journey has made us and our marriage stronger and for that I am so thankful....with him by side in this journey we will make it and we will get our miracle.

Why Not Me????

With every shot my DH gives me I ask myself why me?? With every tear I cry I ask why do I have to go through this??? But the fact is, why not me?? Why should I not have to endure struggles in this life???

Life is not fair and I have learned that lesson very well over the last two and a half years of trying to have a child. I don't understand why I have to go through all the struggles of infertility. I don't know why I had to endure the loss of my little girl at 13 weeks. It has been such a long road and one I wish I never had to be on.

But I hold tight to the fact that my Father loves me so very much and I know that I will be a mother someday. I know my journey on the road to have a child has been paved with so much pain and so much love. I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was, but I wish I didn't have to edure all of this to find that out.

I have been talking about starting a blog for a while, a place put my thoughts about all of the hurt and pain of infertiltiy out there to maybe help someone else, but just couldn't find the strenght to start writing. It hurts so bad to relive the pain of the last few years and the road that I am still on today. I am going to blog my journey so that it might comfort someone else and help me find a way to deal with all the emotions of infertility.

I guess I should go back to begining....but I will keep it short. I started this journey in June 2006 when my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying. Much to our suprise, a month later I got pregnant. I thought this was so easy. The first ultrasound was so neat, something to this day I will cherish. At my NT scan at 12wks, it all went down hill. The doctors discovered that my child had a very large cystic hygroma (over 13mm). The prognosis was not good and the pregnancy was determined not to be viable. We did a CVS to check on genetic defects and found out that our little girl was genetically perfect, but would never live a life outside of the womb. I cried for days knowing that my husband and I were going to have to make the hardest most difficult decision of our lives. After much prayer and talking with 4 doctors, we decided that for the sake of our daughter we had to terminate the pregnancy. This forever changed my life and who I am. I love my child so much and told myself I would never again take any moment of pregnancy for granted. Little did I know that two years later I would still not know what it is like to hold my child in my arms.

Fast forward to today and my DH and I have been through a lot. I have been Dx with PCOS and have done 3 rounds of clomid and 3 rounds of clomid w/ IUI and nothing. I am now seeing an RE and we are in our first and hopefully last IVF cycle. Infertility will test you in ways you never in your life thought you would be tested. I have been to so many doctors, had my blood taken so many times I wonder if there is any blood left, seen my ovaries and uterus on a gray screen more times than I can count and have had my husband stick needles in me on a regular basis. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life....and I do this because I know that I was meant to be mother. I do this becuase somewhere inside of me I still have the strength to get up and continue down this path....I do this because I have faith in my Father's promises to me and I hold onto that faith everyday, it is what sees me through this journey.....I am waiting for my miracle.