Why Not Me????

With every shot my DH gives me I ask myself why me?? With every tear I cry I ask why do I have to go through this??? But the fact is, why not me?? Why should I not have to endure struggles in this life???

Life is not fair and I have learned that lesson very well over the last two and a half years of trying to have a child. I don't understand why I have to go through all the struggles of infertility. I don't know why I had to endure the loss of my little girl at 13 weeks. It has been such a long road and one I wish I never had to be on.

But I hold tight to the fact that my Father loves me so very much and I know that I will be a mother someday. I know my journey on the road to have a child has been paved with so much pain and so much love. I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was, but I wish I didn't have to edure all of this to find that out.

I have been talking about starting a blog for a while, a place put my thoughts about all of the hurt and pain of infertiltiy out there to maybe help someone else, but just couldn't find the strenght to start writing. It hurts so bad to relive the pain of the last few years and the road that I am still on today. I am going to blog my journey so that it might comfort someone else and help me find a way to deal with all the emotions of infertility.

I guess I should go back to begining....but I will keep it short. I started this journey in June 2006 when my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying. Much to our suprise, a month later I got pregnant. I thought this was so easy. The first ultrasound was so neat, something to this day I will cherish. At my NT scan at 12wks, it all went down hill. The doctors discovered that my child had a very large cystic hygroma (over 13mm). The prognosis was not good and the pregnancy was determined not to be viable. We did a CVS to check on genetic defects and found out that our little girl was genetically perfect, but would never live a life outside of the womb. I cried for days knowing that my husband and I were going to have to make the hardest most difficult decision of our lives. After much prayer and talking with 4 doctors, we decided that for the sake of our daughter we had to terminate the pregnancy. This forever changed my life and who I am. I love my child so much and told myself I would never again take any moment of pregnancy for granted. Little did I know that two years later I would still not know what it is like to hold my child in my arms.

Fast forward to today and my DH and I have been through a lot. I have been Dx with PCOS and have done 3 rounds of clomid and 3 rounds of clomid w/ IUI and nothing. I am now seeing an RE and we are in our first and hopefully last IVF cycle. Infertility will test you in ways you never in your life thought you would be tested. I have been to so many doctors, had my blood taken so many times I wonder if there is any blood left, seen my ovaries and uterus on a gray screen more times than I can count and have had my husband stick needles in me on a regular basis. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life....and I do this because I know that I was meant to be mother. I do this becuase somewhere inside of me I still have the strength to get up and continue down this path....I do this because I have faith in my Father's promises to me and I hold onto that faith everyday, it is what sees me through this journey.....I am waiting for my miracle.